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01 July 2007 @ 12:54 am
Match Misadventures, Revisited  
So, for those of you who remember the previous adventure (which I will link later), my poor friend has met another loser on Match. This time, he violated the No Mike rule which I try to get her to enforce, but she rather fairly gave him a shot anyway because he wasn't an Aries.

Big mistake. More so for him than for her, but we shall get to this soon...

"Do you think he's gonna cry when he reads this?"

Yes. Yes, I do.

She told him she loves animals, so he said, "I have a fun-nee picture, let me send it to you" and proceeds to send her a "joke" picture of a dead bunny on the side of the road in which Easter is cancelled. Some of you may have seen this but I won't subject you to the image because man, do I hate unfunny joke pictures with dead animals in them.

After a nearly two hour phone conversation and a few fairly long AIM conversations and some Match emails, this was the result:

Hi Mike,

I did enjoy our conversation last night, but overall I'm not really feeling a connection between us. I think you're very nice, smart and funny but I do not want to pursue things any further. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone.


Nice email, right? Nothing mean-spirited or unnecessary said. Just the facts.

Well, apparently Mike couldn't take this very well and decided to reply and demanded a reply in turn, in the subject line!

Hi Kim

I do believe you have come to a rather quick and rash decision. I know once someone "feels" one way its unlikely you will change your feelings or decision.

So my e-mail here is to state how I feel about your decision,not to change your mind.
[underlining his, not mine --J]
First off we have one long phone conversation. Not exactly going to get a "feel" for a person unless you spend several hours on the phone. Secondly, we have never met in person.
To me you cannot make a decision based on 2 or 3 chat sessions and one 2 hour+ phone chat.
Third point is you said I am "nice,smart & funny". I thought a girl of your quality would want someone like that in her life either as a friend or boyfriend. Maybe just kind words? I dunno!

I'm sorry I did not text you but I was up to my head in work today. Shorthanded 2 people still got everything done but it took me until 11:40 (I was supposed to leave at 10:30!)

Upon my further reflection, you made a bad decision. I was willing to come see you next week.
Back to match you go? You wont find anyone out there of my quality. I have high standards. You met them from my point of view,but its more likely to find a girl who has high standards rather than a guy.

Kindly reply to my e-mail. I actually did think about you all day Saturday but mostly because I could not get 5 minutes to send you a text and the fact that you were here in NJ!!!


Oh really. So being the concerned friend I am, I pulled out the big guns and decided to draft her a reply because after all, he demanded it in the subject of the email.

Hello Michael,

Below is the response you requested:

"Back to match you go? You wont find anyone out there of my quality."

Well, maybe you misread my email but you're the one being let off the hook here and I've not left match this whole time so it's not like I'm going back now with my head hung low because I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling an adult male who lives at home with the 'rents and works at a grocery store that I won't find anyone of his quality. Sorry to say, but match is FULL of guys like you, 99% of whom I've successfully ignored up until now. I think I will continue this trend because it has served me well except for this minor blip in my record.

"First off we have one long phone conversation. Not exactly going to get a "feel" for a person unless you spend several hours on the phone."

So, what do you propose we do about this egregious blunder in my otherwise spotless judgement? Shall we go out on several dates in which I pretend to like you and humor you as you plan out my future as your brood mare? Shall we flip through Apartment Guide together and determine which is the closest point between us where we can rent and live an unfulfilled life together? I refuse to waste more time than is necessary when I am absolutely certain that you are not even close to the right guy for me. Have you ever heard of the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? Perhaps you should visit your local library, take the book out and substitute pronouns where appropriate.

"Upon my further reflection, you made a bad decision. I was willing to come see you next week."

Oh, really? Well, cancel my previous email and I'll bake you a damn cake and give you a big gold star for effort. Clearly, I made the right decision because if my rather respectful rejection of you made you resort to subtle insults, I don't need that kind of "man" in my life.

"I have high standards. You met them from my point of view,but its more likely to find a girl who has high standards rather than a guy."

Despite your lame attempt at an insult, that is exactly the reason why I dumped you. In fact, we weren't even dating for you to be dumped which makes your reaction to my email even stranger. Perhaps you didn't get it last email but I'll come right out and say it. On initial contact, your personality fell just short of my standards but I was being nice and was willing to give you a fair chance even though I felt pressured to talk. You failed. Sorry.


We're waiting for a reply. This should be fun.

Edit: And here it is...

A bit more about the guy. He seems to have a gigantic chip on his shoulder about being "blue collar" and kept harping on it in various ways in their discussions and even in his reply email, which I HAVE but I'm debating whether I should post because it includes personal details, albeit VERY mangled and nonsensical, merely said in lashing out about MY email and very much a projection of his own fears onto her, about my friend that really don't need to be posted here.

Some of the BRILLIANT points he had to make that I guess I'll share here in an edited form to omit the more personal details in which he basically pokes at my friend's DEAD FAMILY...

"Any girl who says "gold star" and not in reference to the appliance company is just acting like a smart alec from grammar school

You seem to try to impress someone with your advanced vocabulary but yet subtle digs into a person's personality.

Um, HUH? If he's so intelligent he shouldn't have taken notice of the vaguely $5 dollar words I used. They really aren't that advanced. Perhaps for a 6th grader?

"As far as working in a grocery store I told you that was my choice. Actually I said Supermarket. Its where I feel I fit,you know? I told you I have 2 degrees. I have met some brilliant people in my life and not from work or associated with work. And they work blue color jobs. Guess what? If we did not have laborers nothing around you would be built! Not your car,house,city or overall society that you live and work in.

You seem to look down upon people who actually WORK for a living. Besides some ink do you ever get your hands dirty?

Grocery store, supermarket, OOH. Big difference! Here we go into the Blue Collar Man Is The Backbone Of Society spiel. Like I said, gigantic chip on his shoulder about it when my friend actually has nothing at all against blue collar men. Not a damned thing. Fun times!

I also love how he implies she doesn't actually do work in her LAW FIRM. Is that white collar envy I smell? Oh, I think it is.

"Sorry for being a minor GLITCH in your record. Apparently I am quite a bit smarter than your average guy that you seem to avoid so well.
Also,something did bother me about you. I dont like how you said you would have to alter your life if you have children.
[Snipped out two sentences I wasn't sure about sharing here for personal reasons, not that it was anywhere near the truth but because it divulges more mangled details than I'd be comfortable with sharing here... just know that he poked at the fact that various family members DIED. Classy guy.] Your best course of action would be to start a family so that when u are old in 30+ years from now and ready to retire you wont be the old woman living by herself. You will have a loving family to take care of you.You seem to be on your way with 2 cats. Perhaps by then you will be totally alone with a room full of cats lol."

So many things wrong with this... where shall I begin?

#1: People don't have to alter their lives drastically when they have kids? Oh, I think not. NEXT.

#2: Ahh, the moldy old chestnut which I call "The Nursing Home Myth". Go ahead and ask most nursing home residents or old people in general how often their loving children visit them or even come to shovel their sidewalk when it snows so they don't break their damn hips. I'm willing to bet you it's not very many at all, sadly. So many of our elderly and infirm are abandoned. Yeah, that's a wonderful reason to have kids! NEXT.

#3: What the hell is so wrong with cats? Cats > Humans. End of story.

When they spoke initially, the guy was very into the idea of starting a family (with pressure from his mother), getting married and actually discussed living together as a future possibility. You know, the kind of discussion most women want to hear in the first conversation or two... very attractive and not very desperate for a brood mare at all, uh-huh. *shudder*

So basically, it seems that in this paragraph, he's projected all of his own personal fears about being alone in old age on my poor friend. The "you'll be lonely when you're old" argument is one of the weakest ones I ever come across as a woman who has absolutely ZERO interest in kids. She was also told this by another person in her life if you can believe that, and I honestly think it's one of the most utterly thoughtless things an otherwise well-intentioned person can tell another, don't you agree? "Hey, you'll be all alone and uncared for when you're old unless you spawn just like I did/want to!" That's so bleak and unfair to suggest, in my opinion. It's right up there with "Oh, you'll change your mind someday!" -- another lovely assumption because everyone must be like me and think kids are sooo speshul and wonderful and if you don't agree you're clearly heartless or broken or pitiable in some way! Excellent.

Also, the whole idea of having kids so you'll have someone to take care of you when you're older is an extremely selfish thought, in my opinion. So basically, you're telling me my main motivation for having kids should be so that I'll have someone to wipe my ass when I'm older? Way to bring new life into the world with the full intention of burdening them with your infirmities. What a terrible idea, honestly, and what an unfair burden and expectation to put on someone who hasn't even been born yet!

At any rate, my friend's rather good answer to this is "That's why I have a 401(k)." Too right.

"Overall it would not work anyway. The geography is not right along with the mental issues in your head!
Good luck [friend's proper name]-ie. Or I should say good luck to any guy who dates you for more than a month. He will need it!

Oh, so he went from trying to manipulate and basically FORCE her into giving him another chance to saying, "Oh, well, I don't want to date you anyway so NYAH!" Yeah, she clearly has major mental issues because she doesn't want to date a loser. That argument holds just about as much water as some moron on the street saying "Hey, nice tits!" and then calling you a lesbian because you didn't smile back and say "Hey, thanks!". Note how he addressed my friend at the end, adding a childlike -ie to her name where it doesn't actually exist. Maybe she DID make a huge mistake and should have dropped all her plans and spawned for him! You know, so as not to be a crazy cat lady (OH NOES, cats can't love you like The KIDDIEZ can!) for the rest of her life. The scary future is looming! Booga booga!

Sure, I knew he'd try to lash out when I wrote the email in which I ripped off his balls rather justly, but this was a fairly hilarious response that made me laugh with its sheer ridiculousness.

Thoughts? Mockery? Anyone? ;)
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
(Deleted comment)
Luna: Ten & Marthanummymuffin on July 1st, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)

His reply has been added. ;)
onexbyxone on July 1st, 2007 06:01 pm (UTC)
She needs to walk away from these match places anyway. I mean, really.
(Deleted comment)
Luna: Masternummymuffin on July 1st, 2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
Those eHarmony commercials disturb me.

Have you ever noticed that the matches they make look strikingly similar to one another? It sort of strikes me as a whole weird Noah's Ark thing. Let's pair two of the same animal together so they can go on and breed and breed and breed...

Honestly, some of them look so similar they could be related.

Let's not get into the whole "must not mix the races" vibe they give off.
Luna: ROFLnummymuffin on July 1st, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
Haha! Seriously, guys like this who won't accept NO for an answer really make things super fun. I smelled badness when she said his name was Mike. You know all about my NO MIKE rule. THIS is why.
onexbyxone on July 1st, 2007 06:46 pm (UTC)
No Mike, No Dallas Cowboy fans, no one from a Dating Service... these rules will never steer you wrong.
Luna: Masternummymuffin on July 1st, 2007 07:01 pm (UTC)
You know, I rather like those rules. I mean, for some bizarre reason there's 0.01% of me that's optimistic that there aren't nothing but obvious and not-so-obvious douches on these dating sites and that there's at least one guy who's decent... but damn. I have to wonder where they are hiding.

Certainly not in "North Jerze".

*slaps forehead*
(Deleted comment)
Luna: Ten & Marthanummymuffin on July 2nd, 2007 09:21 am (UTC)
Re: His Reply
Haha, basically! Her initial email was so nice and respectful and all of that, but he had to get nutty and push the issue. By the way, I never mentioned it but she basically was in contact with him for all of SIX DAYS.
Wicked Snicket: fiendishwickedsnicket on July 2nd, 2007 07:43 am (UTC)
Clean-up on aisle pathetic
I have to admit that I’m a bit disappointed with his reply. It’s the lack of effort that really annoys me. The old “You shall end up a barren spinster surrounded by cats.” cliché is so tired. I expect more from someone with 2 degrees! Honestly!
Luna: Threenummymuffin on July 2nd, 2007 09:25 am (UTC)
Re: Clean-up on aisle pathetic
Hell yeah! And really, I'd love to be surrounded by cats. I'll be like that old lady in The Uncanny but without the gorgeous mansion.
Vixenanimal_lover813 on July 15th, 2007 04:28 am (UTC)
Jolly Good!
Well happy horseshit! What a schmuck. He has 2 degrees but happily chose to work in a supermarket. Yeah-huh? It's no wonder someone hasn't snatched him up already. Hot damn! P.S. I get more love from my fuzzies than any grubby kid I know. I'm already getting the, "Oh but children are wonderful...they change your life in so many ways." Indeed, they make you rue the day they were spawned.
Luna: Exterminatenummymuffin on July 15th, 2007 08:57 am (UTC)
Re: Jolly Good!
Hahaha! Yeah, basically everything you said. And yeah, that pissed me off, this guy implying that cats are somehow inferior to humans? No fuckin' way! Keiffer would totally claw his face off for that.